The Kidney Hypothetical, Or How to Ruin Your Life in Seven Days has a couple of important things going for it. It’s a funny (although bittersweet) story, it’s got a smart and sarcastic male protagonist, and it has one of my favorite titles since Josh Lieb’s I Am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to Be Your Class President. Which, now that I think of it, is also funny and also has a smart and sarcastic male protagonist …
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Higgs Boson Bing had an amazing life. He was an excellent student, he was going to go to Harvard like his father and grandfather before him, and his girlfriend was one of the most beautiful and popular girls in school. And then that beautiful and popular girl asked him, “If I needed a kidney, would you give me one?” Okay, she didn’t REALLY need a kidney. It was just one of those hypothetical questions. A “what if”? question.
Now, I’m going to give all of you a free piece of advice. If your boyfriend or girlfriend ever asks you a question like this, what you SHOULD say is, “Of course, Honey!” And then everything will be fine. But Higgs Boson Bing didn’t say “Of course” because he really wanted to think about his answer. WOULD he give up a kidney for her? Wouldn’t that put his own life at risk? Couldn’t she get a kidney from somebody else instead?
Well, this was definitely the WRONG answer. His girlfriend was angry and upset and embarrassed. And it certainly didn’t help that she complained to all her friends and told them what he said … and they told their friends … and they told everybody else … and very soon after that Higgs Boson Bing didn’t have a girlfriend any more. And as an added bonus, everyone in school thought he was a jerk.
Unfortunately for him, giving the wrong answer to that hypothetical question was just the beginning of his bad luck. And losing his girlfriend was just the first sign that his amazing life was totally going to fall apart.